AN E! RED CARPET HALLOWEEN!


Well, friends, it's another rainy day deep in the heart of East Texas. The temperatures have dropped 30+ degrees from a few weeks ago and the smell of autumn is in the air. The worst drought in decades is all but forgotten and we find ourselves thinking about one thing-Halloween! And you know what that means! What, oh what, to wear!

Here is my top 10 list of who's who in the costume categories for the new millennium. They're easy and economical! So no excuses for not dressing up and getting in the spirit!

1. Balloon boy. Easy peasy! Wrap yourself in a bunch of tin foil with nothing underneath it! This is a use it once then throw it away costume and is fits any budget!

2. Octomom (The Third Trimester). Not much harder than "balloon boy"- the balloon is just a little lower down. First take all the comforters or pillows off your bed and stick them under your over sized blouse/pants. Puff up you lips, paint em bright pink- lip liner is recommended. Don your best Angelina wig and you are set! Kankles optional.

3. Roman Polanski. Part your 70s unfashionably long hair on the side and grease it down real good. Add porn-star sideburns, real or drawn on. Next you will need a 70s throwback leisure suit, tossing a scarf around your neck nonchalantly no matter what the weather is. Grab the 2002 Academy Award that you got but were too chicken to pick up in person and your ready to rock and roll.

4. Kate and/or Jon Gosslin. If you want to be Kate, grab your "reverse mullet" blonde wig. If you want to be Jon, grab your newest 20-something girlfriend and don't forget to call TMZ.

5. Cindy Anthony. I know... groans all around, but who can resist?! This is a little more complicated but bear with me. First, dig out your best pea/puke green turtle-neck sweater, clip on a shamrock pin (CMA! CMA!) and a button advertising your personal Foundation. Next, put a bowl on your head and cut your hair. Be sure not to use antiperspirant, you're gonna want all those pit stains showin. It is important that you remember to chew gum in a kind of frenetic frenzy never before seen (this is much like chewing your cud if you had two stomachs to deal with and you were a cow). Finally, frown a lot. Point and accuse anyone you come across of being Zanny the Nanny. Alternatively, you can whine and cry that you haven't had any sleep, haven't been able to eat (crab puffs anyone?), haven't been able to hold down a job (nurses of decomposition are not as highly in demand as they used to be) and elbow your significant other in the groin frequently (yeah, that's right, George, I'm talkin about you!). If possible, throw out a few disparaging insults to innocent passers by. (Example: You call yourself a 10?! Honey, you're cute, but you're no 10!).

6. Kanye West. Personally, I think anyone can pull this one off. Wear a cheap knock-off fake-leather red jacket, don't zip it up all the way, you'll want all of your bling to show! Don't forget your large cubic Zirconia ear studs. Quote lots of really bad rap lyrics, it doesn't matter whose they all sound the same and there are only three cords. Be sure to insult any innocent looking young Caucasian girl you come across- and if they have anything in their hands, take it away from them and tell them they don't deserve it. It's important to embarrass yourself not only in front of your peers, but to the public in general. Now- this is a bit daring but could just be the icing on the cake- Fake your own death on Scare ware even though nobody will even care.

7. Micheal Jackson. Enough said. We have been doing this one for years, people!

8. Misty Croslin nay Cummings nay Croslin. Now, only petite ladies will be able to do this one- the more skeletor the better so you might want to start fasting now. Don't wash your long, straight, stringy hair for about 3 months. Chain smoke Marlboro reds. Wear a strapless wife beater teeshirt with a bra that is not strapless, preferably of a contrasting color. If possible, run someone over on the interstate while hanging out the windows issuing crude insults and flipping them the finger on your way to the Halloween party. If you are really serious about this, go on a 3-day drug and alcohol binge being sure to have anonymous, unprotected sex with any number of unknown partners for three days prior to your party. Now, as we all know, girls got to accessorize! So may I suggest a fake heirloom engagement ring and a sign that says "I WUZ SLEEPIN AND RON WAS WERKIN!"

9. Anna Nicole Smith. Always a classic and glamorous too! Grab those peek-a-boo Frederick's of Hollywood undies you bought years ago to spice up your marriage, add padding where necessary, paint your face like a demented clown and suck on a baby bottle full of Bacardi 151, crushed Oxycontin, fentanyl and TrimSpa. Be sure to lean tilt and lean over on the people around you- stiletto heels will aid in this. Twirl your curly blond locks suggestively with your middle finger.

10. President Barrack Obama. Pin a Hawaiian birth certificate to your blazer. Be sure to leave plenty of room for the many "trillion dollar bills" that you have printed off your PC to pin on your blazer also. Grab your Portuguese hypoallergenic water-dog named Bo, carry your Nobel Peace Prize, and say "Yes We Can!" over and over. Remember, people love party games- so you can make this into a drinking game. Every time you say "Yes We Can!" everyone has to take a shot. Time will fly and a good time is guaranteed for all!

Well peeps, that's about it. Remember: Safety First! Take a buddy with you, don't ever go trick-or-treating alone. Take a flashlight and a designated driver with you. Wear a reflective belt. And if anyone asks you to put your car keys in a fishbowl, decline the offer and make your exit post haste.